01
Openness
Find what they actually want to talk about before you say anything.
Look for a hook: what they're wearing, how they answered “how do you know the host,” something specific in how they carry themselves.
Skip “what do you do?” It's the fastest way to get a rehearsed answer.
Try instead, depending on what you noticed
- If they mention a project or company
- “Wait, tell me more about that.”
- If they seem tired or checked out
- “Are you surviving this week?”
- If they name a place or interest
- “What's the story there?”
- If they gave you nothing to work with
- “How do you actually know [host]?”
If your question can be answered with “yeah” or “not much,” it's the wrong question. You want something they can't answer in one word.
02
Closeness
Now connect their world to yours. Not by matching them, by relating to them.
They tell you about a company they're building. You mention the thing you're trying to build, then ask how they knew it was the right time to start. They tell you about an upcoming trip. You react like it actually means something to you, then ask what made them pick that place.
Don't one-up them and don't turn it into your own story. Give just enough of yourself that it stops being an interview, then hand the conversation back.
03
Personal Connection
This is where you stop calculating what the conversation could turn into.
Let them see you as a person. React the way you'd react to a friend telling you the same thing. Something like “you need to write a book, I'll be the publisher” is the right energy: playful, not performative.
Don't ask what they can do for you, even indirectly. Don't turn their story into an opening for your pitch. If you catch yourself drafting your ask while they're still talking, stop. You're not there yet.
04
Trust
This is the follow-up, and it's the part that actually matters.
Before you leave, hold onto one detail. The trip, the launch, the deadline, whatever they're stuck on. Then message them about it within a week.
What to send
- If it was a trip
- “So? How was it? Everything you hoped?”
- If it was a project
- “Did you end up doing the thing you mentioned?”
- If it was a decision they were weighing
- “Did you figure it out?”
Don't send “great meeting you, let's keep in touch.” There's nothing for them to respond to. The follow-up should be specific enough that a stranger couldn't have written it. That's the entire point. It's not “I'm networking,” it's “I was actually listening.”
Before · During · After
Before
- Know why you're going.
- Aim for 2 or 3 real conversations, not a full room worked.
- Walk in curious, not calculating who can help you.
During
- Find the hook and ask something open.
- Connect your world to theirs instead of just listening.
- Notice if you start calculating and pull yourself back into the moment.
- Before you leave, hold onto one specific detail.
After
- Message within a week, tied to that detail.
- No ask, just proof you remembered.
- Let the next reason to talk happen on its own.